What's Up with This, God?

“It’s a blip on the radar,” the dean said with the high school counselor nodding in agreement. And in our brains, Dave, Josh, and I understood, but we still hadn’t made that 18-inch connection to our hearts.

Josh has been dealing with bouts of vertigo for the last three years. If you haven’t experienced it, it’s debilitating. From what he describes, it’s like the earth is shifting, spinning, the floor opening under him. The pattern seems to be trip-related, be it a flight or the bounce of a vehicle after long drives to a destination, although there've been episodes in between. We sought the help of a second neurologist who specializes in vertigo. In going through J’s history and ours, the doc came to the conclusion it might be migraine-related. So we started a daily med prescribed for migraine prevention.

Well, about a week after starting the med, Josh had a bad reaction: racing heart, dizziness, trouble breathing. In short, side effects from the med and now panic attacks at the thought of symptoms happening at school. We tried the next few weeks to get him to school, even just through first period, and he couldn’t make it. There’s no talking a person down from anxiety attacks. It’s leaving logic behind (this kid is logic-driven so this is new territory for us) and just supporting him and trying techniques that engage the senses: squeezing ice cubes, stomping plastic cups, heaving a brick (not at something, although I’m certain he considered at my head as I stumbled through this experience, but chucking it, say, in the back yard) to focus the mind on physical v. mental.

With the dean’s and counselor’s advice, we withdrew him from his beloved school, enrolled him online, which transfers credit for credit, with the hope of just that semester. This was painful for him. Not laid out in the life plan he’d created for himself – and not the one we envisioned. It took time for us to process and enable him to accept this decision, coming up with a plan he could own in order to be successful.

Guess what? This ain’t no blip. This is a life changer. Classes for second semester (he was able to return to school more confident than ever) that he would’ve signed up for, like business, were either filled or only offered first semester. He ended up in two art classes. This is the kid who was taking art just to fulfill the fine arts portion of his high school diploma. A means to an end. More science-, social studies-, math-driven.

Well, he’s in the midst of shaking up his schedule for jr./sr. years. Instead of math/science/law school focus-based classes, he’s pursuing art. This was the area in which he had little confidence in his work. The kid is changing his goal to major in business/art. What?!? He beams as he shares this news at lunch, sitting across the table from Dave and me, my hand squeezing Dave’s under the table as we witness the fire in his eyes. And that passion and drive he had before that the uncertainty of his health had sucked dry has returned and then some.

We skipped our trip over Christmas vacation, deciding to keep him stable and not risk another bout with vertigo. But he’s ready to take on the extended family vacation this summer with warrior mentality, willing to risk a recurrence of symptoms. Pray for our J as he takes on this challenge with a “bring it” attitude.

The answer to the prayer “why” at its finest.

My Husband Thinks I Should Connect With the Vacuum Cleaner

So if I understand the practice of Lent correctly (by all means, pipe in if I’m off base here), the idea is to give up something that takes your time/thoughts off God and spend that time you’ve gained in whatever way you connect with Him.

Well, here’s what I experienced last year: I gave up Facebook games. I used to spend hours upon hours playing Facebook games. I would even take time during vacations to update certain games. A really cool thing happened after Lent season – I didn’t go back to playing the games. It freed up so much of my time and I was glad to be free of that particular addiction. When I start something new, I tend to jump right in and Beat It To Death.

Here’s the rub: That extra time in my day, the hours upon hours I had spent playing those games, got replaced by some of my other habits; i.e., TV. I may have started out Lent spending some intentional time with God each day, but that TV time crept in and replaced that time with Him.

An experiment I’ve decided to try this year (see Hallmark Hates Me blog – I’m feeling very experimental), I’m going to try a new plan of attack: Instead of focusing on what I’m giving up during Lent, I’m going to focus on what I am going to do, which is committing to connect with God on a regular basis. Not too shabby if this is one of those habits I Beat To Death. Time to get started; Lent has already begun!

Now you know what the title means…

You're Such a Loser, Sweetie

In the course of reading Pete Gall’s book “Learning My Name,” in Chapter 2 he challenges me to figure out the name I call myself when I do something stupid.

There were lots of names. I spent a heap of energy trying to narrow them down to the core zinger that would capture them all. If you put that much effort into thinking about your negative names, you feel pretty darn lousy. It just brings all those feelings of failure right to the surface whether you are in the midst of doing something stupid or not.

I decided to break the thought pattern and focus on the next challenge in the book, to think of the name God calls me, because as Pete said (and I believe) The Big Guy’s not up there calling me that zinger.

It was challenging, thinking this way. My initial feeling was discomfort, like it was too prideful (which is actually reverse pride, but I digress on what I’ve learned in therapy). His example in the book for himself is “sweetheart.” I took some time to contemplate mine and “sweetie” kept coming back to me. The more I chewed on it, the better I felt it fit.

I used it this week. I was having a particularly rough day. Instead of thinking, “What is your problem? Snap out of it, Loser!”, I focused on God asking me, “What’s wrong, Sweetie?” I remember a feeling of sweet relief. It’s all in the name, isn’t it.

What Nature Means To Me

The evidence of God, Jesus, Mary, the cross, religion, was evident pretty much everywhere we went in Italy on our vacation this summer. It is majestic, absolutely stunning, beyond anything I could imagine, and boy have I dreamed of Italy. It's surreal. I'm still processing I had the opportunity to stand in these historic places, before these wondrous pieces of art, in the Sistine Chapel under Michelangelo's ceiling... I am genuinely grateful for this opportunity of a lifetime.

And though I saw evidence of God in possibly every nook and cranny, where I felt Him, where my heart just swelled in wonder and my eyes filled with tears, was in the beauty of nature seen on the rolling hills of a vineyard, hills covered by grapes and olive trees, rose bushes used as a natural herbicide, the towers of a little city atop a hill in the distance, hazy blue skies and white puffy clouds, the wind blowing my hair and skirt, white cows, the smell of earth, manure, and hay, seeing field after field of sunflowers.

Nicaragua, it now dawns on me, stole my heart for its simplicity, the exotic sounds heard in the early morning hours of birds whose beauty I could only imagine, the howls of dogs, chattering insects, rain on the church's tin roof, the lushness of nature and the human kindness encountered at every turn.

And for me, that's the way I connect with God best.